How do you know what to do when someone you love is dying? Losing someone you love is one of the hardest experiences you will ever go through. When that time comes, please remember that you are not alone. The most important piece of advice we can give you about what to do when someone you love is dying is to take your cues from your loved one. Listen to them. Perhaps they want to talk about it; perhaps they don’t. Maybe they want to spend every moment they have left living life to the fullest; perhaps they want to spend their time surrounded by the people, things and animals that they love. How we respond to death is influenced by our own life experiences and beliefs around death – everyone responds differently. We encourage families to have conversations about death and what their final wishes are long before that time comes. Often we find that people who are dying want to talk about it, but they are worried about upsetting the people that they love. They may worry if they talk about their impending death that their loved ones will worry they have given up hope. While these conversations can indeed be difficult, it’s important to allow these discussions to happen and can be a valuable experience for both you and your loved ones. When someone you love is dying, their needs and wishes must be respected and come first. It can be easy to get swept up in your own emotions, but it is vital that everyone involved remembers that it is the person dying who should remain at the centre of all conversations and actions. If someone you love is dying, you might not feel prepared or ready for them to go. Please know that this is normal, and support services are available to help you during this time. Disease related charities such as the Cancer Council, or your local hospital’s palliative care team will be able to give you guidance and support during this time, not only about how to look after the person in your care, but also about how to look after yourself. If you’ve never lost someone close to you before, being around someone who is dying can be a frightening experience – if you feel this, it’s important to realise that it’s normal, and not to be ashamed of your fears and feelings. We suggest that you learn what to expect in the days, weeks and months ahead to allow you to ease your fear and confusion. Doing so will also help you to plan for the journey you and the person you care about are to go on together, and for the feelings and experiences that will happen during this time. Talking with someone who is dying We understand that talking with someone who is dying can be frightening. It’s normal to feel anxious, especially if the person is someone you love. Virtalhospice.ca suggests letting the person know that you are … Read More
Is it normal to worry about someone you love dying?
Wondering whether it is normal to worry about someone you love dying is a topic that comes up often. It’s the type of worry that no-one is immune to, yet so many of us hide our fears, concerned that it might not be normal to feel the fear and anxiety around loss that we do. It’s also common to fear death in general, and to fear your own death and leaving behind those you love. Sometimes, this fear can become a serious and debilitating phobia – Thanatophobia. In this article, our focus is on fearing the death of a loved one. This kind of anxiety falls into two different categories, and they both require very different approaches so let’s start by identifying the two. According to psychology today, this kind of fear either focusses on worry when a loved one is at a higher than usual risk of death, for example, if they have been diagnosed with cancer or a terminal illness. However, you can also feel fear and anxiety about a loved one dying, even though they are not at any particular risk for dying. Despite that, you might not be able to stop worrying about it. Let’s discuss the first scenario around death-based anxiety first. Psychologist Jade Wu, points out that knowing death is inevitable and actually accepting it are two very different things, and one does not necessarily lead to the other. If you’re facing a situation where someone you love is dying, it’s important to allow yourself to feel the full range of grief. It’s when it becomes paralyzing that it is a problem and you should consider seeking support. Signs of this include an inability to enjoy the time you have with them now because you’re so focused on their death and being unable to manage basic day to day life and self-care. To help, Dr Wu suggests “climbing down the what if tree”. “The what-if tree has a sturdy trunk with strong roots at the bottom—that’s the present moment,” she writes. “It’s safe there; you feel grounded. As you climb the what-if tree, with each branching what-if scenario the branches get thinner and your footing gets shakier. This place poses more of a risk. At some point, it’s not useful to think that far ahead.” That doesn’t mean putting off important topics like decisions around medical and end of life care, however, setting aside time to address your to do list rather than allowing it to become all-encompassing can be helpful. It’s also important not to avoid having conversations about death. Over the past year, we’ve published several blog posts around how to discuss death and these can offer you some insight into having those awkward conversations. You don’t have to have a loved one with a terminal diagnosis in order to fear their death. When you experience anxiety about death of a loved one who is not currently at a higher risk of death, Dr Wu says it’s important to find ways to … Read More
Dealing with Unexpected Death
Coping with the death of a loved one is never easy but dealing with an unexpected death can be extra challenging. When a death is expected there is time to prepare. There is the opportunity to say goodbye, and to make a certain level of peace with what is to come. But when a death is unexpected, those left behind are left without those opportunities. A sudden, unexpected death can happen for a wide range of reasons – it may be a heart attack, stroke or other medical emergency, an accident or suicide. Regardless of how it comes about, dealing with a sudden death is challenging to even the strongest person While most people can and will experience shock, confusion and grief when someone close to them dies, these feelings can be amplified if a death is sudden and unexpected. Each situation will carry it’s own emotional difficulties, depending on the circumstances of the death. In fact, any sudden or traumatic death will bring with it a series of challenges on one’s internal resources. You might also experience disbelief, hope that news of the situation is wrong (particularly in cases where physical evidence is absent, for example, someone missing at sea or a plane crash), absent grief (where what has happened has not yet registered in your mind), regrets (particularly around the inability to say goodbye, things you wish you did differently, or things that were said or went unsaid), guilt, anger or a sense of helplessness. There is no right way to cope, and you’ve ultimately got to do what feels right for you, but here are some ideas that might get you started on the road to processing your grief. If you were with the person when they died, you might feel the need to share your story. While you might worry this could be frowned upon, we’d like to reassure you that it’s a perfectly normal response. You may like to seek the help of a registered professional, for example, a counsellor or psychologist, or you may prefer to confide in a trusted friend. You might also find that it’s important for you to be honest in sharing you experience, rather than glossing over parts of the story. If you feel the need to talk through your experience, make sure that it’s with a person who you know will make you feel safe and supported, whatever that may look like for you. It might also be helpful to share your feelings and experiences with other people who have gone through similar experiences. It’s important to surround yourself with people that understand that grief is a process and it will take time to make sense of what has happened. It is important during this time that the bereaved person feels loved, supported and listened to. When you’re dealing with an unexpected death, its important that you monitor your physical and mental state, and seek help for any health issues that may arise during this time of distress and … Read More
How to pre-plan your own funeral
Pre-planning your funeral has become increasingly popular over the past few years, so it’s no surprise the majority of questions we receive are about how to plan your own funeral. Many people are surprised to find that not only is pre-planning you own funeral simpler than most people realise, but in fact, there are many advantages to doing so. One of the biggest advantages of pre-planning you own funeral that causes many people to take the leap is the fact that you can decide how you want to be farewelled from this life. When you pre-plan your funeral with Burnett Regional Funeral Services, we sit down with you and talk you through your choices. During our consultation we will discuss everything from whether you’d like to be buried or cremated, where you’d like to be buried or where (and if!) you’d like your ashes to be scattered to the music you’d like to be played, who you’d like to give the eulogy and who should carry your coffin. However, the biggest advantage to pre-planning you own funeral is that it takes an enormous amount of pressure off your loved ones during what will be one of the most difficult times of their life. Let’s face it, losing someone you love is so hard, and having to make decisions around funeral arrangements can often result in additional anxiety, stress and even arguments that could have been otherwise avoided. Pre-planning your funeral allows you to leave one final gift to your loved ones – the gift of not having to worry because everything is already done. I know what you’re thinking – that all sounds great, but how do I actually plan my own funeral? The first step is to get in touch with us. We will make an appointment for a member of our caring and friendly team to meet with you at your home or our office, where we will take pen to paper and help you to decide exactly what you want for you funeral. Based on the information we gather, we will be able to provide you with a quote and advise you on your payment options. If you are looking for a longer term payment option, we work in partnership with Flexible Funeral Benefits, a company based in Bundaberg, to help you pay for your funeral over time rather than in one lump sum. It can be helpful to start thinking about what kind of funeral or celebration of life you’d like before your initial meeting with us. Some of the topics we will discuss with you at our pre-arrangement meeting include whether you would like to be buried or cremated and where you would like to be buried or what should happen with your ashes, what kind of coffin you would like, whether or not you would like a funeral service, what kinds of flowers you’d like, any poems, reading and music you’d like, who you would like to do those readings and, of course, any … Read More
Free download – Funeral Planning Checklist
Today we have a handy free download for you. We know how stressful it is planning a funeral – it is one of the most difficult and overwhelming things you will ever face in life. We’ve created this funeral planning checklist for you to help you to go through what you need to do, step by step. There are no catches – you don’t have to sign up to anything, you won’t get added to any email lists. We wanted to make this as simple and accessible as possible, so all you need to do is click on the button below and hit download.
Dealing with the loss of a pet
Pets can be a wonderful and much loved addition to any family, however many people find coping with the loss of a pet almost as hard as dealing with the loss of a human. While Burnett Regional Funeral Services does not offer services around pet death, burial and cremation, we understand how difficult this time can be. In this article, we’ll talk about things you can do to help cope with the loss of a pet, and different things you can do to memorialise your lost furry friend. When we lose a person that we love, other people accept our grief and are generally very understanding. Unfortunately, when we lose a pet we are not always met with the same level of understanding and kindness. Animals can be very central in our lives – they are our companions, our guides and sometimes our very best friends – however sometimes this cannot be understood by other people who can’t see why you are grieving over ‘just a pet’. As pet owners ourselves, if you’re grieving the loss of a pet, we see you and we understand. Many humans forge powerful bonds with their pets – they love you unconditionally and can make even your worst days seem better, so it makes perfect sense to grieve when they die. The Stages of Grief The stages of grief are just the same, no matter whether you’re grieving a human, an animal or a situation. Initially, you may experience denial and a feeling of numbness. This is a normal defence mechanism that protects you from the flood of emotions that come with loss. This may turn into anger – this is when reality starts to sink in, and start to feel the emotion of your loss. You might feel frustrated, helpless or cheated, and this may turn into anger directed at yourself, someone or something else or even the animal that has passed away. With time, anger may give way to bargaining. You might start to think “what if I did something differently” or “If only I had done…”. You might even find yourself trying to make a deal with a higher power, and again, this is a normal response to grief. Sadness may set in as you begin to understand the impact of your loss on your life. You might feel tearful and cry, struggle with poor appetite, experience sleep issues and feel sad, lonely and regretful. After a period of time, which is totally individual to the person who is going through the grief process, you will come to acceptance. This doesn’t mean that you are not sad, but you have accepted your loss and that you can and will move on with your life. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and no correct amount of time to grieve. Some people will grieve the loss of their pets for days, others weeks or even years. Tips for coping Reach out to someone who you know will lend a … Read More
Poems and Readings for Funerals
Poetry, quotes and other kinds of prose are often used during funerals and memorial services as a way to pay tribute to a person who has passed away. Sharing such pieces of short literature are not only a wonderful way to remember and celebrate the person you have lost, but they can also be useful in helping people to cope with grief and offer comfort. We’ve compiled a list of some of our favourite poems and readings that you might like to consider if you’re planning a funeral. Remember, it’s always important to acknowledge the author when known in order to comply with copyright laws. Bible Verses The Lord’s Prayer: Our Father, who art in heaven Hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done on Earth As it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses As we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation But deliver us from evil. For thine is the Kingdom The power and the glory, For ever and ever. Amen John 3:16-21 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.” John 14 : 1 – 6 Jesus said to his disciples, “Don’t be worried! Have faith in God and have faith in me. There are many rooms in my Father’s house. I wouldn’t tell you this, unless it was true. I am going there to prepare a place for you. After I have done this, I will come back and take you with me. Then we will be together. You know the way to where I am going.” Thomas said: “Lord, we don’t even know where you are going! How can we know the way?” “I am the way, the truth, and the life!” Jesus answered. “Without me, no one can go to the Father.” Psalm 23 The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want; he makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters; he restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of death, I fear no evil; for thou art with me; thy rod … Read More
Reading list: Books to help cope with death, dying and grief
It might sound morbid to actively seek out information on death and dying, but as humans whether we want to or not, we do dwell on death. Believe it or not, reading about dying can actually be a very helpful and practical activity that serves a range of purposes. Reading about death can help us through different stages of the grieving process, can help us face our fears about dying and can also be useful when you or a loved one have been diagnosed with a terminal illness. It’s easy to sweep the topic of death under the carpet until you lose someone you love or you are faced with a terminal diagnosis yourself, but we encourage you to read your way around your questions and fears. There are literally thousands of books out there on the topic of death and dying, but here we’ve put together a small reading list (in no particular order) of some of what is available out there for you. Ultimately, you have to do what works for you, but we hope that this article provides some guidance in a useful direction. We’ve also included some books to help children understand death at the end of this article. Surviving the Tsunami of Grief – Katrina Taee and Wendelien McNicoll “An illustrated and oral guide to grief, for those who are grieving and their families and friends who are supporting them. It offers guidance, wisdom and hope for the longer bereavement journey. The last three chapters suggest ways people can help those who grieve and offers practical and useful suggestions to support them.” With the end in Mind – Dr Kathryn Mannix “How should we think of death and how can we prepare for it? With the End in Mind is a book for us all: the grieving and bereaved, the ill and the healthy. By turns touching and tragic, funny and wise, it tells powerful human stories of life and death… A powerful and emotional book based on a lifetime’s clinical experience, With the End in Mind offers calm, wise advice on how to face death, live fully and find a model for hope in dark times.” Outside the Box – Liz Rothschild “We live in a society where people struggle to look death in the eye. Death has become the territory of professionals and we rarely see a dead body, unless it is someone very close to us. Death has become hidden, and so more traumatic. This book shows that, if we start talking openly about death, it can change the way we live. In it, people from all walks of life share their experiences and what they have learned from accompanying others. Heartbreaking, angry, questioning and contradictory – even laugh-aloud funny – the stories illuminate, inspire, reassure and inform. They are accompanied by advice and comment from professionals working in end-of-life planning, health, bereavement and funeral care.” Undying – Michael Faber “In Undying Michel Faber honours the memory of his wife, who died after a … Read More
Remembering loved ones on special occasions
There are times in our lives when we want to be surrounded by the people we love – some of those days are huge, life changing days, like your wedding day, or more often they are days that happen every year, like religious celebrations, birthdays and Christmas. It’s normal to want one or both of your parents to walk you down the aisle when you get married, or to at least be at your wedding. Christmas is a time for giving, for love and for family – it’s natural to want to share in the joy of the day with those you love. When you have lost someone you love and you can’t do those things, let’s be honest – it can be really tough to deal with, and bittersweet if you’re still mourning. We’ve put together some ideas for how you can remember your lost loved ones on those special days and moments of your life. These special days can play a really important role in keeping your loved one’s memory alive. Have a think about what you want to achieve through your actions before you decide what to do. Do you want to feel as though they are there with you? Do you want to quietly reflect? Do you want to remember the good times and smile? If you’re a bride to be wishing that you had one or both of your parents to walk you down the aisle, a nice way to carry them with you can be to attach a photo of them to your bouquet or to create something wearable. You might choose to have a keyring made containing the photo that can then be strapped onto your bouquet with ribbon, or perhaps you would rather wear a beautiful locket with a treasured photo inside. You can also incorporate a special item received from your lost parent (or another lost loved one you wish was there for your special day) by wearing or somehow including a special item that you received from that person. At Christmas and other religious celebrations, many families have traditions they follow year in, year out. Think about the person that you have lost and what they loved most about that holiday or celebration. If you feel up to it, place a favourite family photo that includes them in pride of place and carry out their favourite tradition in their honour. Talk about the good times – that Christmas where mum had spent hours cooking then dad dropped the Christmas ham but somehow managed to save the day, or the way your loved one used to laugh so hard at the awful Christmas cracker jokes every single year, or how every year when you were children your mum would tuck you into bed on Christmas Eve and tell you your favourite story before warning you that Santa doesn’t visit unless children are fast asleep! Perhaps you have lost your spouse and your wedding anniversary is coming up. It can be incredibly … Read More
What can I do with my loved ones ashes?
Losing someone we love is one of the hardest things we will ever go through, and when that happens it’s natural to want to respect their wishes when it comes to their final resting place. Wanting to do the ‘right’ thing is something that can weigh so heavily on your mind. We are here to help! In Australia, many people choose to cremate their loved ones body after they die, and a large percentage of those families wish to scatter their loved ones ashes in a place that was memorable or significant for the person they have lost. While it can be difficult to know what you can and can’t do with your loved ones ashes, the good news is that in Queensland, the rules aren’t overly complicated. The law about scattering human ashes in Queensland – Do you need permission? In Queensland, you generally can scatter the ashes of your love one and hold a small, private ceremony without the need to obtain permits to do so. If the scattering is to take place on private land, then you must have the land owners permission to do so, however if you are the land owner then you are free to do as you wish. For example, if your loved one stated that they wanted their ashes to be scattered on the field at Suncorp Stadium or the cattle property they grew up on that is no longer owned by the family, then you’d need to seek permission from the owner of the land to do so otherwise you risk breaching trespassing laws. You generally do not need permission to scatter ashes on local council or state controlled land. You need to apply for a permit to scatter ashes if the land is: – Privately owned (see previous comments) – Bushland or rainforest that has been designated as a Commonwealth Reserve – Commonwealth marine areas We advise that you always research the area where you are planning to scatter the ashes of your loved one. This can avoid ruining the day with run ins with officials or incurring fines. It’s worth noting that parks run by the Queensland Parks and Wildlife Service do not require a permit for ashes to be scattered, and while you generally can scatter ashes into the ocean, if you’re doing so off a boat then you are required to have the boat owner’s permission to do so. Where do we scatter the ashes? If your loved one hasn’t specified where their ashes should be scattered and you don’t wish to keep them, here are some ideas for where you may wish you consider as locations for your scattering ceremony. It’s wise to put some thought into the chosen location – choose somewhere that had meaning for the loved one you have lost if you are able to do so. If you’re feeling stuck for where to scatter your loved one’s ashes, take a moment to quietly reflect on what they were like and enjoyed. Was … Read More